Not validating feelings
You will also find that validation opens people up and helps them feel free to communicate with you. On the other hand, when they are feeling excited and enthusiastic, this validation encourages them and helps keep their spirits high.
In fact, if there is a communication breakdown, if there is a wall between you and someone else, it probably has been built with the bricks of When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us-- in other words, that they matter to us.
I have found, as I am sure you have, that it takes more to get some people talking than others.
Often, the fewer words from you, the better, especially when someone needs to talk and they are both willing and able.
Couples (and families, for that matter) get into trouble when they invalidate each other’s feelings.
Often, partners don’t mean to do it, but when arguments turn into conflicts, it’s common to hear statements like these: When your partner says, for instance, “I wish we spent more time together,” or, “I’m concerned about our finances,” he’s really saying, “I feel alone in this relationship,” and, “I’m scared.” Look behind the complaint for the feelings.
Most of us truly want to help other people, but often we don't know how, or we try too hard and we start giving advice, as our parents did to us. Since Patty often uses naptime for her work, I've struggled to keep wakeup time from being a descent into wailing.
But I have found that usually if I just validate someone, they are able to work out their own emotional problems even faster than if I were to give them my advice. Yesterday when he woke up, I practiced recognizing his feelings without fixing or correcting.
Sometimes it means being patient when the other person is not ready to talk. I felt very sad for the boy but I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. Sometimes when Max wakes up from his naps, he's sad -- especially when his mama isn't home.We let them know that we respect their perception of things at that moment. Just the other day we took a small boy to the doctor's office and I asked him if he was a little bit scared.We help them feel heard, acknowledged, understood and accepted. It was obvious by his face that he was scared and I wanted to share, understand, and validate his feeling.Validating one’s partner is an artful skill that is essential to creating and maintaining intimacy in committed relationships.When I discuss how partners can validate one another in my office, however, I have found that much of the time couples aren’t sure what it is or how to do it.
Find out why it makes sense that your partner feels the way he does based on his life experience, especially his relationships with his parents as a child. When I didn’t call, you felt alone and abandoned, just like you did when your Mom used to work such long hours when you were young?